Charlize Theron, the actress, was guest at the Drew Barrymore show. The two of them were talking, among other things, about dating through apps. Barrymore said that it is so hard to find someone just to make out with, let alone a person that would be a potential romantic partner. Theron gave her the advice that her friends should set her up, instead of her searching for someone online.

After six months on a dating app, I am so ready to follow Theron’s advice. Even more, I am pretty done with this dating app business. Tons of media articles have been echoing a similar narrative.

I have met with a dozen men since the beginning of the year: for a coffee, a drink or a walk. I would call that a pretty good empirical sample. For ending up meeting these 12, I looked easily at 150 profiles. I seriously chatted with maybe 20 plus persons. Spoiler alert: I only met 1 person more than three times, to find out that he is emotionally unavailable.

What have I learned? That communication is still the key among people, and that dating apps are the territory of bad communication.

Number one is the lack of transparency and honesty

Number one is the lack of transparency and honesty. It starts with what people say they are looking for. Usually, one ticks certain boxes: Is it Marriage (Ehe), Life Partner (Partner fürs Leben), or A long-term relationship (Eine feste Beziehung) one wants? Or rather Fun, casual dates (Alles kann, nichts muss), Intimacy, without commitment (Etwas Lockeres), or Ethical non-monogamy (Ethische Nicht-Monogamie)? If a person is looking for sex, with no strings attached, then they should tick the “Intimacy, without commitment” box or, if they are in a relationship, ENM. And for sure, they will find interested candidates to match with. But quite some guys, in my experience, tick rather “Fun, casual dates” or even “A long-term relationship” (disclaimer: which are the options I chose) while still being only interested in physical contact. I have chatted with several of them, until usually they “unmatch” me as I do not react to their allusion to have sex on the first date. I am not commenting on that wish; live and let life is my motto here. But it is not my way of doing things.

Far more frustrating, though, are men that believe that they are interested in a serious relationship, but after two, three dates it turns out that their lives are messier than they told you at the beginning: There is the ex they are still not over or the separation from the wife that is far less clear than they originally claimed. They tell you that you are interesting and funny and great to spend time with. Maybe it is code for saying outright: “I am just not that into you!”. It still disappoints and hurts. And I am wondering if these people really know and / or care about what they are doing to others. I myself told a few persons that I could imagine them as a friend but not as a partner, that there was something missing. Maybe not what they wanted to hear in the first place, but clear and honest.

Number two of bad communication traits is lack of manners and respect

Number two of bad communication traits is lack of manners and respect. The biggest disrespect, in my view, is ghosting. I have been ghosted several times; usually by guys who should have ticked the box “sex straight away, please”. What I find really harsh is if it happens after one has had an in-person date. I had a really nice first date with a guy, let´s call him Pepe: We talked for hours, originally only met for a walk and / or maybe a drink, ended up having dinner as well, and laughed a lot. The only thing I thought a bit odd was a theory he had and told me about: That a woman who is attracted to a guy, should not let him know as that would kill his “hunting instinct”. She should rather hide her feelings until he falls for her. Pepe had talked about feminism, equal rights, etc. before. So, I answered that this theory to me does not seem very empowering for women, as it seems the only thing we can do is wait until Mr. Right expresses his feelings towards us. I am a very open communicator, so I was a bit confused if and what to text after our first date. To cut a long story short: He “unmatched” me in our first texting session after our first date, thinking that I might not have liked it, which was a total misunderstanding, I think. We had not exchanged phone numbers. So, ghosted, while I was writing. That is really mega rude.

Number three is the large room for misunderstandings

Number three is the large room for misunderstandings. I text a lot with friends; my children hardly ever call anybody anymore, text is the only way of distant communication they use. But, those are people whom I know and who know me well. People on a dating app are strangers despite the fact that they list their interests, hobbies and maybe favorite music on spotify on their profile. You might exchange quite personal information with them – for how long you have been separated or divorced, how old your kids are, what you are looking for in a date – and that might give you the impression of closeness sometimes. But, those people don’t know if you tend to irony, if you are very direct and sincere, or like to joke around as well. As don’t you. Not ghosting but asking would help, but quite some people seem to prefer to discard and go on to the next candidate then invest a little bit more time and find out.

I am not saying that dating apps are a bad invention. They have brought thousands of people together, for whatever kind of contact they were looking for. They have also brought disappointment, deception and heartbreak. To some people, they make humans a commodity, like a pair of sneakers or a new work-out shirt you order on amazon. When using dating apps, I think expectation management is key; also knowing what one wants and what one doesn’t. And remembering that one lived quite content, maybe even happy, before signing up for them and checking profiles every morning. In my post from January “Kissing frogs” (https://thedailyimperfections.com/2026/01/25/kissing-frogs/), I left some good advice by scientist Jennie Young on how to use the apps. It is sometimes hard to stick to those rules, as apps are designed to make us stay on them as long as possible. 

After six months, I feel I my heart and particularly soul need a break. They need love and peace which I have not found in the dating app world. So, I have pressed the snooze button for weeks now: Closed due to “intolerance to frogs”. And I am working on bringing up the courage to follow Charlize Theron’s advice.