dating apps

No more frogs – or change the channel

Posted on by karenkleinwort

Charlize Theron, the actress, was guest at the Drew Barrymore show. The two of them were talking, among other things, about dating through apps. Barrymore said that it is so hard to find someone just to make out with, let alone a person that would be a potential romantic partner. Theron gave her the advice that her friends should set her up, instead of her searching for someone online.

After six months on a dating app, I am so ready to follow Theron’s advice. Even more, I am pretty done with this dating app business. Tons of media articles have been echoing a similar narrative.

I have met with a dozen men since the beginning of the year: for a coffee, a drink or a walk. I would call that a pretty good empirical sample. For ending up meeting these 12, I looked easily at 150 profiles. I seriously chatted with maybe 20 plus persons. Spoiler alert: I only met 1 person more than three times, to find out that he is emotionally unavailable.

What have I learned? That communication is still the key among people, and that dating apps are the territory of bad communication.

Number one is the lack of transparency and honesty

Number one is the lack of transparency and honesty. It starts with what people say they are looking for. Usually, one ticks certain boxes: Is it Marriage (Ehe), Life Partner (Partner fürs Leben), or A long-term relationship (Eine feste Beziehung) one wants? Or rather Fun, casual dates (Alles kann, nichts muss), Intimacy, without commitment (Etwas Lockeres), or Ethical non-monogamy (Ethische Nicht-Monogamie)? If a person is looking for sex, with no strings attached, then they should tick the “Intimacy, without commitment” box or, if they are in a relationship, ENM. And for sure, they will find interested candidates to match with. But quite some guys, in my experience, tick rather “Fun, casual dates” or even “A long-term relationship” (disclaimer: which are the options I chose) while still being only interested in physical contact. I have chatted with several of them, until usually they “unmatch” me as I do not react to their allusion to have sex on the first date. I am not commenting on that wish; live and let life is my motto here. But it is not my way of doing things.

Far more frustrating, though, are men that believe that they are interested in a serious relationship, but after two, three dates it turns out that their lives are messier than they told you at the beginning: There is the ex they are still not over or the separation from the wife that is far less clear than they originally claimed. They tell you that you are interesting and funny and great to spend time with. Maybe it is code for saying outright: “I am just not that into you!”. It still disappoints and hurts. And I am wondering if these people really know and / or care about what they are doing to others. I myself told a few persons that I could imagine them as a friend but not as a partner, that there was something missing. Maybe not what they wanted to hear in the first place, but clear and honest.

Number two of bad communication traits is lack of manners and respect

Number two of bad communication traits is lack of manners and respect. The biggest disrespect, in my view, is ghosting. I have been ghosted several times; usually by guys who should have ticked the box “sex straight away, please”. What I find really harsh is if it happens after one has had an in-person date. I had a really nice first date with a guy, let´s call him Pepe: We talked for hours, originally only met for a walk and / or maybe a drink, ended up having dinner as well, and laughed a lot. The only thing I thought a bit odd was a theory he had and told me about: That a woman who is attracted to a guy, should not let him know as that would kill his “hunting instinct”. She should rather hide her feelings until he falls for her. Pepe had talked about feminism, equal rights, etc. before. So, I answered that this theory to me does not seem very empowering for women, as it seems the only thing we can do is wait until Mr. Right expresses his feelings towards us. I am a very open communicator, so I was a bit confused if and what to text after our first date. To cut a long story short: He “unmatched” me in our first texting session after our first date, thinking that I might not have liked it, which was a total misunderstanding, I think. We had not exchanged phone numbers. So, ghosted, while I was writing. That is really mega rude.

Number three is the large room for misunderstandings

Number three is the large room for misunderstandings. I text a lot with friends; my children hardly ever call anybody anymore, text is the only way of distant communication they use. But, those are people whom I know and who know me well. People on a dating app are strangers despite the fact that they list their interests, hobbies and maybe favorite music on spotify on their profile. You might exchange quite personal information with them – for how long you have been separated or divorced, how old your kids are, what you are looking for in a date – and that might give you the impression of closeness sometimes. But, those people don’t know if you tend to irony, if you are very direct and sincere, or like to joke around as well. As don’t you. Not ghosting but asking would help, but quite some people seem to prefer to discard and go on to the next candidate then invest a little bit more time and find out.

I am not saying that dating apps are a bad invention. They have brought thousands of people together, for whatever kind of contact they were looking for. They have also brought disappointment, deception and heartbreak. To some people, they make humans a commodity, like a pair of sneakers or a new work-out shirt you order on amazon. When using dating apps, I think expectation management is key; also knowing what one wants and what one doesn’t. And remembering that one lived quite content, maybe even happy, before signing up for them and checking profiles every morning. In my post from January “Kissing frogs” (https://thedailyimperfections.com/2026/01/25/kissing-frogs/), I left some good advice by scientist Jennie Young on how to use the apps. It is sometimes hard to stick to those rules, as apps are designed to make us stay on them as long as possible. 

After six months, I feel I my heart and particularly soul need a break. They need love and peace which I have not found in the dating app world. So, I have pressed the snooze button for weeks now: Closed due to “intolerance to frogs”. And I am working on bringing up the courage to follow Charlize Theron’s advice. 

Kissing frogs

Posted on by karenkleinwort

We wanted to meet on a Saturday. I had chatted with this guy for two weeks. I told my friend about it when we met for an afterwork drink on Thursday. He said:

“Jonathan? I think Stefanie is dating a Jonathan as well?”

I was thinking. It is not the most common name among men in Germany in their 50s, but also not totally unusual. But I was curious. I asked him to check with Stefanie if “my” Jonathan was actually also “her” Jonathan. And boom – we were a match, but not the one we wanted.

What are the odds? Nearly 4 million people live in Berlin, 1.25 million of them in single households. That does not necessarily mean that they are single. But according to media reporting, Berlin is the capital of singles in Germany. Dating app usage ranges at a little bit more than 50 percent. So, we are talking about more than half a million people looking for love online.

Evidently, my date with Jonathan did not happen. I had signed up on a dating app only three weeks before that incident. First time in my life. I have been reluctant for quite some months. But I realized that the people I am getting to know through my daily activities are mainly not potential partner material. I work in a company where most of the employees are maximum 40 years old, I dance bachata where most of the crowd is even younger. Adventures might be fun, but as I am – in the end – looking for a long-term relationship, that does not square, particularly as I am the woman. Older guys date younger women all the time; but if an older woman dates a younger guy, and he might decide after a few years to want to have kids, biology defines the options. Among my friends, most of the men are still married, which would be a deal-breaker for me.

So, despite the fact that I have 700 contacts on my phone (I know, I should delete some), I am now checking profiles, getting likes and swiping left or right. I have been seeing a lot of men in tights in front of sophisticated looking bicycles and a surprising number that rides motorbikes, although not a single friend of mine does. I have seen a lot of badly taken selfies. Read about half a dozen times the sweet but uninspiring answer of “You sitting next to me” to the question of “What would make you happy?”. I had to google what exactly is meant by “ethical non-monogamy”. 

doubt about understanding and communication between the sexes

In just three weeks, I made experiences that made me doubt about understanding and communication between the sexes. 

One guy asked me in which neighborhood I lived and said that he could pass by on his way to work, gifting me with a kiss. I replied “interesting”, but nothing more. A day later, he unmatched me. I could not write him, could not see his profile any longer.

Another one offered to come by with a bottle of wine. I proposed to meet in a café or bar instead. He replied “hmh”. I thought I do not have to jump this hoop and waited. Again, two days later, he unmatched me.

After I went on my first date, the guy asked me how I felt, if I wanted to see him again. He knew that I was brand new to dating apps, he had been on it for more than a year. I said that I would like to sleep over it a night, if that was okay with him. He said yes. The next morning, again, he had unmatched me. I was really surprised, as we had talked for nearly two hours and had a lot of things in common. I had not been sure the night before if I wanted to have second date, but seeing me being unmatched I knew what my answer was.

Friends had warned me. Of lying, cheating, ghosting. That guys date down their age, meaning they prefer to date women ten to twenty years younger than they are. Which would mean that senior citizens might give me likes right now. They said that I might have to pass through some bullshit, have patience and endurance, before I might meet someone serious. Like in the fairy tale: You gotta kiss a lot of frogs to find your prince.

One friend gave me a really useful advice. She recommended a Rolling Stone article by a rhetoric professor from the University of Wisconsin, USA. Jennie Young has developed the “Burned Haystack Dating Method”™: You are looking for the needle in the haystack, then burn the damn haystack to find that needle faster and more effectively. Meaning: Know what you want, have rigorous filters, and only like the persons that really seem promising; all others, swipe left. Block inappropriate or undesired profiles (e.g. guys in travelling mode). Teach the algorithm what you want. Use the app like a means to an end; check-in maybe twice a day, like using a tooth brush. Turn off notifications. Do not spend any more time than necessary on the app.

With these pieces of advice, I will carry on after my first weeks, wondering what my tolerance for kissing frogs is. I think I learned during the past two years or so that I could also be happy without a prince on my side. I make an excellent princess. For the moment, I am continuing the quest.

For more on the burned haystack dating method™, check here: https://jennieyoung.com/my-channels/burned-haystack/