Kissing frogs

We wanted to meet on a Saturday. I had chatted with this guy for two weeks. I told my friend about it when we met for an afterwork drink on Thursday. He said:
“Jonathan? I think Stefanie is dating a Jonathan as well?”
I was thinking. It is not the most common name among men in Germany in their 50s, but also not totally unusual. But I was curious. I asked him to check with Stefanie if “my” Jonathan was actually also “her” Jonathan. And boom – we were a match, but not the one we wanted.
What are the odds? Nearly 4 million people live in Berlin, 1.25 million of them in single households. That does not necessarily mean that they are single. But according to media reporting, Berlin is the capital of singles in Germany. Dating app usage ranges at a little bit more than 50 percent. So, we are talking about more than half a million people looking for love online.
Evidently, my date with Jonathan did not happen. I had signed up on a dating app only three weeks before that incident. First time in my life. I have been reluctant for quite some months. But I realized that the people I am getting to know through my daily activities are mainly not potential partner material. I work in a company where most of the employees are maximum 40 years old, I dance bachata where most of the crowd is even younger. Adventures might be fun, but as I am – in the end – looking for a long-term relationship, that does not square, particularly as I am the woman. Older guys date younger women all the time; but if an older woman dates a younger guy, and he might decide after a few years to want to have kids, biology defines the options. Among my friends, most of the men are still married, which would be a deal-breaker for me.
So, despite the fact that I have 700 contacts on my phone (I know, I should delete some), I am now checking profiles, getting likes and swiping left or right. I have been seeing a lot of men in tights in front of sophisticated looking bicycles and a surprising number that rides motorbikes, although not a single friend of mine does. I have seen a lot of badly taken selfies. Read about half a dozen times the sweet but uninspiring answer of “You sitting next to me” to the question of “What would make you happy?”. I had to google what exactly is meant by “ethical non-monogamy”.
doubt about understanding and communication between the sexes
In just three weeks, I made experiences that made me doubt about understanding and communication between the sexes.
One guy asked me in which neighborhood I lived and said that he could pass by on his way to work, gifting me with a kiss. I replied “interesting”, but nothing more. A day later, he unmatched me. I could not write him, could not see his profile any longer.
Another one offered to come by with a bottle of wine. I proposed to meet in a café or bar instead. He replied “hmh”. I thought I do not have to jump this hoop and waited. Again, two days later, he unmatched me.
After I went on my first date, the guy asked me how I felt, if I wanted to see him again. He knew that I was brand new to dating apps, he had been on it for more than a year. I said that I would like to sleep over it a night, if that was okay with him. He said yes. The next morning, again, he had unmatched me. I was really surprised, as we had talked for nearly two hours and had a lot of things in common. I had not been sure the night before if I wanted to have second date, but seeing me being unmatched I knew what my answer was.
Friends had warned me. Of lying, cheating, ghosting. That guys date down their age, meaning they prefer to date women ten to twenty years younger than they are. Which would mean that senior citizens might give me likes right now. They said that I might have to pass through some bullshit, have patience and endurance, before I might meet someone serious. Like in the fairy tale: You gotta kiss a lot of frogs to find your prince.
One friend gave me a really usual advice. She recommended a Rolling Stone article by a rhetoric professor from the University of Wisconsin, USA. Jennie Young has developed the “Burned Haystack Dating Method”™: You are looking for the needle in the haystack, then burn the damn haystack to find that needle faster and more effectively. Meaning: Know what you want, have rigorous filters, and only like the persons that really seem promising; all others, swipe left. Block inappropriate or undesired profiles (e.g. guys in travelling mode). Teach the algorithm what you want. Use the app like a means to an end; check-in maybe twice a day, like using a tooth brush. Turn off notifications. Do not spend any more time than necessary on the app.
With these pieces of advice, I will carry on after my first weeks, wondering what my tolerance for kissing frogs is. I think I learned during the past two years or so that I could also be happy without a prince on my side. I make an excellent princess. For the moment, I am continuing the quest.
For more on the burned haystack dating method™, check here: https://jennieyoung.com/my-channels/burned-haystack/























